Feb. 21st, 2014

madscientisto: (jojo)
I have so many things to improve on. And the most important thing is communication skills, which I feel like I don't have at all. Now I'm a junior in college, in an engineering program LOL, and although the program is supposed to give me good presentation skills and confidence in technical skills, I'm always scared of things.

Freshman year, I felt sick because I had loud and rude roommates. Instead of joining many clubs and activities on campus I just either stayed the room or library, studying or enjoying my fandoms.

Sophomore year, I started to commute to Seattle (like 45 miles one way) so I was so tired to do anything besides homework and studying. I should have lowered my class load and went to office hours to gain more personal relationships with profs but again I was lazy and this is when I started to live off of solutions manual....oops there goes my test grades

Junior year, still commuting and since I'm saving money by living at home I don't mind. But I started taking classes for my major and realized this is so lame and I felt so stupid for not researching about majors when I was a freshman so I had more options to apply last year. When I applied for majors, (all engineering majors have competitive admission), I could only apply to this major and chemical engineering. I think I'd feel the same towards chemE if I got into the program but my grades didn't make it. Last year I was happy that I got into any major but now I'm regretting my lack of knowledge about the program.

aaaaand idk I guess taking this far commute everyday takes so much of my time and energy that all I've been focusing was my grades (and some fandoms).

I realized that's not all college is supposed to be. Now that I'm a junior, people around me have been getting internships and cool research and study abroads when I'm just watching video from home like a loser.

I wasted so much of my time not caring about other people that now idk how to communicate well with others.
madscientisto: (aomine)
I think in the past week I've cried like 3 times. Most of the times it wasn't negative.

I watched (streamed) Disney's Frozen and although I didn't think it was that fantastic as everyone said, I liked it. I could relate to it because I also have a sister and having that family with you is important to me. I cried because I realized how blessed I am to be living so easily with my family.

Then I think I cried when I had a piece of chocolate we got on after Valentine's day sale. I just thought about how lucky I am to be eating this sweet thing when there are millions of kids in undeveloped country who haven't eaten any piece of chocolate in their life. I feel so bad for them and I felt bad for taking these small things for granted.

Then yesterday I watched Asada Mao's free skate. It was fantastic. I watched her disappointing short program the day before and felt sad for her. And then when she was crying after her FS it made cry as well. I wasn't that into figure skating before but now I see the beauty of it. I was just so interested in Hanyu Yuzuru that I didn't care about ladies' but now I appreciate it so much. Seeing Mao cry made me cry so naturally possibly bc I am Japanese and I feel for her, but to think about her whole career with all the pressure being on international stage....idk I just felt like thanking her for the amazing free skate.

AND THEN TODAY. We got the midterm back from my chemE class, which is heat transfer phenomena. I thought the test was so hard when I took it and left so many blank spaces. As a result I did horribly, 32/100, when the average was about 60 and stdev above 20. So I missed the first stdev by just a little bit. But seeing the score made me so sad that I was tearing up in class. It's only 20% of the grade and there are so many more opportunities, like quizzes and other tests, but at that moment I felt so sad. Just remembering about it rn makes me tear up. I was then kinda sobbing and literary cried after in another class. Now that I'm in a program, grades don't matter that much, except for GPA screening in resumes and scholarships oops. I did much better last quarter in another chemE class so I felt so embarrassed again. And then after crying so much I realized how many opportunities I missed while at college. I never bothered to go to office hours to talk with prof/TA, was too lazy to actively participate in any clubs or organizations, so no experience in anything. Many research and internship programs look for student with EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS and sometimes don't care about grades and require no prior work experience. I think having some experience would have helped me get more confidence and communication skills but bc I'm so stupid I didn't do any of that.

I'm finished with about 2.5 years of college and I've accomplished close to nothing. My GPA is above 3.3 which is eh okay but it's like on the border so if I did bad I could lose a bit on my scholarship that I get based on my grades. So grades wasn't such a big deal, but I'm so sad that I was focusing on just getting decent grades in school that I have nothing else in college. It just made me realized how stupid I am. And that's why I was crying so excessively at school and on bus ride home today. I hate crying in public but what I hate even more is not being able to stop the tears.

Being emotional isn't a bad thing, at least that's what I think, but I feel so weak emotionally. I'm so weak because of my lack of confidence from lack of experience and it made me miss so much opportunity in life.


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