Jan. 31st, 2015

madscientisto: (Default)
If feeling constantly tired is a symptom of depression, I've had it since I moved to America. At first, I was so mad to leave my awesome Japanese culture of food, anime, and the quality of everyday Japanese goods. Then I realized that I don't miss any friends from schools in Japan at all. I was just sorry that I moved to middle of nowhere in America.

Now I know better, I think I didn't bother to find cool things about the place I lived. I partly blame this on my parents, boring Japanese people without much interests in American culture. That made me care less for all the cool American stuff and now it's so hard to hold a good conversation with anyone in person.

Actually I believe I've never had any meaningful conversation with anyone. At the beginning, it was due to my lack of English skills. But even after I leaned to understand most of conversational English, I didn't practice enough speaking and now, my communication skills is too embarrassing.

Now I feel I'm so tired of school and I don't even want to apply to jobs because I know I don't qualify for anything targeted to college graduates from my school. Almost all the jobs call for excellent communication skills, both oral and written, and due to my weak listening skills, oral communication is one of my worst skills.

Anyways, after all the rejection from jobs, lack of social life, and disinterest in society, I feel so tired to do anything. Of course, I want to become a better person and have an amazing career and eventually a beautiful family, but...I don't have any confidence. How does one even get confidence????

Anyways, I'm trying to improve my cultural understanding of, well, everything. I've invested way too much of my time into Japanese culture, primarily anime and manga. But other than that, I'm just as clueless about Japan as anybody else since my parents didn't bother putting me and my sister into Japanese school. I don't know much about Japanese history or anything. Majority of my knowledge of Japan came from anime or manga. Those are amazing parts of Japanese culture, but that's not everything. I'd been too stupid to realize that.

Now I'm trying to read many novels, nonfiction, news, magazines and everything that I may gain inspiring or useful knowledge about our culture. My professor said she read lots of philosophical stuff and that will be useful. I'm reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami and omg idk half of all the references to philosophers and all the metaphorical or metaphysical things that sound so foreign to me. But I'm learning a lot from just exposing myself to this novel. I'm reading the Japanese version but I can see why this author is well known globally.

I just need to keep learning to become a more well rounded person. I need to realize that people everywhere are more miserable than me that I should be thankful for everything I have.

Being so tired, though, it makes it really hard not to just want to graduate and rest for a long time. I need to relax and think about things. Keep going will be hard but I will try.


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