madscientisto: (Default)
And this time close to my own school in Seattle too....

It was at a small private Christian school not that close to our U district, but still man. The UCSB just happened and now this? Come on...;w;

But I remembered that there was a shooting near UW where I go, but since it wasn't really on campus I totally forgot about it. It was at a cafe, but still on U district, in the morning or something few years ago, after I started attending.

Seattle can be a dangerous place at night especially at some neighborhoods and I'm kinda glad I live in the outskirts and not in the city although it's a pain going to school there everyday. But today is such a beautiful day and it's so sad that things have to happen.

I pray for the people and that there will be no shooting anytime soon but then again, this is America, the country of freedom, or a place where anything can happen.
madscientisto: (Default)
This kid that I barely talked to back in North Carolina messaged me on fb asking if I was interested in some summer camp, it's mostly for high school grads and some young college kids by the look of it but ahaaha no thanks man. idk why but when he came to Seattle with the other church fundraising group some time ago, he came up to me and talked to me for the whole freaking time. it was so awkward since he never talked to me back in NC and i honestly have on interest being friends with you either sorry. when some other people I knew back in NC also came to Seattle another time, they didn't bother saying anything except greetings and to me, that was more normal since we're just acquaintances. When that annoying guy's twin came here, he just noticed and said hi or smth and that's more like it. And now he's trying to recruit everyone he knows to this lame camp but i don't have time. And yesterday he requested for my phone number on fb lol didn't you could do that but it's weird as hell man. Should have asked me in a message for it although i probably wouldn't given it to him.

Man I don't like people in NC especially those from church I went since I have so many annoying memories there...please let me live in peace.

orz

May. 23rd, 2014 01:32 pm
madscientisto: (Default)
finally that international student got her internship....ahahaha now how should I cope with my jealously? I guess I could apply for the fulltime work study award, a type of financial aid, and use that for my research with my prof? I've always had work study award but I never found a job for the past 4 years. I wish I tried harder and tried to talk with people and get something but it never happened.
madscientisto: (Default)
I feel like I'm never confident enough in school, because I don't have leadership skills. I always thought it came from some experience like jobs and volunteer work which I don't have much of, so that's why I don't get job offers. but I realized that I simply don't have leadership in classrooms or labs or in a group of friends. I'm not much of a talker but I saw that one of the not so talkative guy in my major has a lot of leadership skills because he has a family. like omg he was working full time while attending a community college until his daughter as born. idk how old he is but he's already married and taking care of his child and I was like WHAAAA and his competence in school and projects show that he has enough skills and that's why he's so helpful and has a sense of leadership in projects and things.

maybe I need to do this at home. I need to be the leader and not the passive family member who let boring things happen to me. but idk it looks so hard and annoying. I could start with chores and actually giving helpful advise to sister and trying to fix my parents relationship and become more independent and at least idk figure out how to pay bills? maybe I should actively talk to mom and figure out what I need to do if she gets sick and hospitalized or something. should I spend less time on hobbies and try to become an independent, if not useful, member of the society??? I mean, if I can't get a job when I graduate, I have to at least be a confident individual who has enough communication and leadership skills? I thought being in my major will give me those things but obviously I need to learn how to learn that. seeing that's the thing employers look for the most, maybe if I can at prove it, maybe I don't need the relevant experience when I look for a job?
madscientisto: (Default)
she really wants to drive on her own. the good thing is that she has a license and enough practice. the sad thing is she doesn't have her own car or the responsibility to have one.

she really wants to drive around like her friends all do but of course, those people own a car for themselves, whether they paid on their own or had parents pay for it. we obviously can't afford that lol and she only has a part time job of like 10hr/wk and mos def not enough in her account to buy one.

she is really ambitious and that's a good thing but she really is clueless about the general things about life. like myself, she doesn't help around at home, never does laundry, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, etc. she only takes 2 classes this quarter at a community college and she'll graduate soon and will start my uni in the fall and mom doesn't trust her to live in the dorm so she's gonna commute for her first year. I got used to it but it's gonna be even more time consuming for her so she's probably not gonna do chores when school starts. if she doesn't do chores now when she has time, which she spends all on watching kpop, anime, movies, she's not gonna help around when she gets super busy with all the hard classes she'll take next quarter.

I am proud of her for getting into electrical engineering and God I pray that she'll get a good job so she can feed us all later lol. but she's no more responsible than I was when I stated college and so she doesn't deserve to drive on her own, even without the financial problems, she is super selfish and can't handle emergency no more than me or dad, who speaks really bad English, hence poor job and poor life for all of us.

I guess I'm the best mentor she got and maybe that's why she's so selfish and mean, but she needs to open her eyes, not to kpop stars, but reality of the life we live in.
madscientisto: (Default)
We talk in Japanese and it feels SO AWKWARD for me to talk in English. so at home, it's Japanese and when we are around some ppl who only speak English, well, I don't talk much if I was with my sister.

And I feel like because her Japanese is much worse than mine since she was younger when we moved to America from Japan, I think she doesn't have enough vocabulary to express her feelings. So, when she gets irritated by me, she always says stuff like「死ね」or 「殺すぞ」or 「ブス」and other mean things....

She's 3years younger than me and she probably got her bad temper from mom, and yeah mom and dad fights A LOT. or more like stupid arguments over every little thing but they argue so often and loudly and it definitely affected both of us negatively.

I've been having some serious self esteem issues lately, and little things that my sister say do affect me and my self esteem. I often didn't think much since she used to only tell me to "die" or "I'll kill you" only after I teased her for something, but lately she says whenever she feels annoyed by me. It could be when I was asking something while she was watching a movie on her laptop like today. Yeah I get that you don't want to be interrupted but does she have to say those mean things to me?

So after I got mom to scold her a bit, I went up to her myself and told that I won't tease her anymore so she shouldn't tell me to die like she does everyday. And I also told her that she's not some character from a shounen manga, (she's been reading a lot lately) so she shouldn't use bad language, especially towards me if I don't deserve it. I also told her that the only part of her I found cute was her cheeks, which I tease her for often, and that she's not actually cute like the heroine characters in fiction. I was like we are not that physically beautiful (I have some issues but she is a bit cuter than me) so we must be beautiful inside, and with her horrible language and behavior she will never be a good person, or smth like that.

idk if she cared but she really needs to change and it reminded me that I NEED CHANGE AS WELL. I've always been timid and shy and so I don't talk much to anyone really, which contributes to my self esteem badly. but when I told her that I kinda felt a sense of power and dominance over her childishness, which she could have gotten from my own selfishness. idk this family is as messed up as I am and I wanna fix that somehow orz
madscientisto: (Default)
"In daily life, the concepts of Mr. Right and Ms. Right are also idealizations, just like the concept of a reversible (perfect) process. People who insist on finding Mr. or Ms. Right to settle down are bound to remain Mr. or Ms. Single for the rest of their lives. The possibility of finding the perfect prospective mate is no higher than the possibility of finding a perfect (reversible) process. Likewise, a person who insists on perfection in friends is bound to have no friends."

Some life lessons from Ch 6. The Second Law of Thermodynamics, Thermodynamics, Cengel 7E.

Man I wish this guy wrote all the books I needed for my major. Would've made things so much clearer (or funnier) for me.


But even without this book, I love this thermo class because I actually find it useful and interesting and the professor actually knows his stuff, although he's kinda awkward. I love him and this class and I want to do well!!! I wish all my profs were like that but let's be real, there are no perfect people.
madscientisto: (Default)
And thank goodness for that.

I have about a year to graduate and I started out with no money in bank (I didn't even have an account) but now I got scholarships and I keep getting them each quarter lol.

idk I guess I was really lucky to have moved to Washington a year before I started college, which was enough for state residency. And I'm glad I got financial aid just to cover my tuition and some more for the year I lived in the dorm. Now I get a quarterly scholarship for just being in my major with okay grades.

I'm confused whether it was a good idea for me to major in engineering though. I was interested in the healthcare but I thought engineering would have more job security. But with my shy personality idk if I'll ever get a job. I don't really need high pay, perhaps a bit more than my dad earns, which is like nothing lol, but I don't want to live alone in an apartment and idk where to buy a house yet so I don't need a high starting salary. My family and I don't have debt so I should have been more relaxed and shouldn't have thought about careers with money in my mind when I should have enjoyed my "薔薇色のキャンパスライフ"

Still, I should have taken advantage of all the resources at the uni so I'd have more clues about life after college.

idk maybe thinking about getting free education made me a slacker in all aspects of life.
But hey, I won't be in debt like all those people suffering so I should be happy.

American education is pretty expensive but hey, if I lived in Japan, I probably wouldn't get all these free perks for being poor. So idk, I feel happy for going to college, just in general.
madscientisto: (Default)
I'm actually reading it for the first time and I forgot if I watched the anime while it was airing the first time around 2005 or whatever, but it feels so nostalgic and sad reading it. Now it's been around 10 years?!!? Thinking about all that time passing between me watching anime back then and reading the manga now is crazy.

There was one scene that struck me and made me cry the first time I watched it. It was right before the ed song in my one of the episode and it was just perfect timing for the ed to come up and it was so sad but beautiful I loved it. Now I just got to this part and since I'm an adult now, I have so much different feelings than I first read it.

"Waltz" by Suneohair is one of my favorite songs and it just gives me so much nostalgia about the story just by listening to it and I just had to listen to it again since that scene came up.

I need to read more shoujo mangas. It's funny since I forget most characters' names really easily and I forgot most of hachikuro until I remembered them while reading them. But now since I'm rereading them again I feel like I've always knew them in my heart or smth.
madscientisto: (Default)
But now I think I love him. I like his recent roles or the characters he voiced. Back in 2007 when he voiced pretty much all the protags, I started to hate him like I hated Fukujun. But now I see that he's actually pretty cool and his voice is nice after all.

I started to listen to the Dear Girls radio show that he does with OnoD since 2007 and it's weird but I love listening to it. Now it's on his 7th year LOL wow and I can't wait to catch up to it. I just finished listening to the 20th...episode? or whatever and there's like over 300 of them now lol. I'll catch up someday if I keep up.

I used to listen to the Kurobas radio when it was airing the 2nd season but I got bored and I thought I should listen to some of the more popular ones. And what could be more popular than this show which has been going on for so long??
madscientisto: (Default)
Because I wanted to get into the Game of Thrones fandom but I can't take HBO's obscenities. I thought I should improve my English skills and oh boy it's working. Well, I hope so. I'm reading the ebook and listening go the audiobook narrated by some British guy. My hearing sucks, especially for some unfamiliar accents and sometimes it's hard to pick up even British accents. So the audiobook + ebook is really nice.

I should just dl a whole bunch of English novels I wanted to read. If I can pirate manga and anime from Japan, I can do that with English novels much easily. I should read more Japanese novels too though. I felt as though my Japanese that I learned from anime and manga is horrible. I wish I went to Japanese school and kept learning so that I can truly say that I'm a native Japanese speaker. But really it's embarrassing. My English sucks too, so I can barely say that I'm a bilingual.

If I can't get a job after college in the engineering field, I will try to at least refine my language and communication skills.
madscientisto: (p4: naoto)
Lately I felt like I was so useless to the society and the thought of being unemployed after college made me feel even worse.

Finding out people who are in similar situation as I am is comforting.

There is this one girl who applied for the research grant scholarship as I did. Both of us didn't make the first cut. I don't know if we can make it off the wait-list. She texted me the day after the email announcement came from the application department and we told each other that we got the bad news. That was yesterday, and today, she came up to me to say hi, asking how I was. I was surprised that she could kind of tell that I wasn't too thrilled to hear that I didn't get the scholarship over the text. And I was surprised that she was so friendly to me, following up to me after the text and comforting me. I'm also surprised that although she has the social skills that I don't, she still can't find internships like me.

I guess I still suffer from envying other people. I like people who has similar or worse grades than I do, and I'm so annoyed by smart people in the major, especially people who don't try to share their success. But then again, I was all about just beating the curve and thanking for people who do worse than me in tests, so I guess that's bad of me. I did sent my old physics the underclassmen in the major who's suffering through that right now, so I hope that makes up for it.

This week I was so frustrated that I can't be the best of the best probably in the near future and that disappointed me so much. But then again, I still have a lot of things I should be grateful for anyway. I basically pay nothing for tuition since my family is super poor and I guess America kinda cares about some of the people. I got health insurance now and I'm getting another glasses for my eyes that keeps getting worse every year. It's not like the thin ones they have in Japan since FDA regulates these but ah well. If I save all the money from the scholarships I can go to Japan again in a few years, hopefully.

I just hated this uncertainty in my life but I guess I should just live with it anyway since everyone else are trying to live happily as well.
madscientisto: (aomine)
For me, at least not for a while.

Thinking about the future, especially about finding employment after graduating from college is killing me. Or was. From now on, I'll do my best not to care about grades, comparing my achievements to those of others and potential salary that I could get like my colleagues. I just want to forget everything for a while. I personally thought I did very well in the 3 years of college, although I slacked off a lot and I have to work off my butt for the senior year to pull it up. For the first 2 years of college, I wasn't thinking too seriously about the future so I was relatively happy although I went through some of the most hardest classes and received horrible grades. Now that I'm a junior and graduation is almost a year away, I had to shift my thinking completely for this school year and I've been so irritated because I seem incapable of doing anything compared to my peers.

I hate being compared to others. My classmates, friends, whoever I meet. I wanted to be the best without the least of effort and I hate myself when I don't do well in classes, social situations, anything. And I think the best way for me to stay happy is to forget about all these things that pressure me. I feel like my brain cells shrunk a lot since I'm anxious way too much. I want to become happy and friendly and nice and thinking about all the stressful things cannot help me achieve that right now.

I found this article listing all the things that affect life after college and yeah let's say I don't have a lot of those. LOL "The odds of thriving in all areas of well-being" looks especially bad for me orz
madscientisto: (s;g: okarin)
It's just that lately I've been more concerned about my grades than the past years, so I'm trying to get better GPA for the senior year. It's not like GPA grades matter that much for employment, but if they see that I have no extracurricular activities and have mediocre grades, I think I'm screwed. I'm probably way too timid to be an engineer so idk about the "life after graduation" which is getting so much closer.
madscientisto: (jojo)
Turning 22 today and it just feels like ummmm WHY.
I know it's annoying for ppl older than me to hear this but I feel so olddddd

I started to notice that I can't live with 6hr sleep a day bc I'd so tired during the day and that I'm just feeling so old....or maybe I need less time on the screens to save my eyes

I guess it's more of the mental stuff that's worrying me. I turned 22 but I feel like I'm still the same from when i was...idk 18? Or 12? 10?

I just can't live with the responsibilities of being an adult.... just yet!!!


But I had a wonderful birthday, mainly feeding myself with deliciously fat cheesecake and yeah maybe I need to work out soon.
madscientisto: (jojo)
And i thought I'd be happy to turn 22 this month....ahahha no why am so old but so childish???

spring quarter started and ugh we just had 2 weeks but man i already want it to be over

last night there was a meeting at church where they wanted a lot of teens/college age kids to go so i went after classes but like no one from seattle actually showed up?? my church has a lot of japanese people and many of them had mixed racial marriages so there are some white american people too but apparently non of the western people responds to phone calls or emails so the only people who went were japanese kids like us. but we all live like 45 miles away from seattle so it was really annoying...and the meeting was just an info session about some grad school that's strictly related to christian/religious studies with missionary projects and ummmmm God, I'm sorry but no thanks.

and sakura con is next weekend but uhhhh do I even have the time for it?! I'm taking 4 classes this quarter, which is pretty normal for me, but they all have a lot of homework assignments and many group projects and tests and i gotta prepare for that like eewwwwwww

i decided that my goal for the rest of my college career (basically a year and this quarter) is to get on dean's list for all the quarters (GPA < 3.5). I miraculously got above 3.5 last quarter so maybe I can do it again but man not so sure about that anymore.....

it's funny because profs in my major don't necessarily give me good grades...;w;

let just watch jojo so that i feel better and powerful
madscientisto: (aomine)
lol jk

april fools man....;w;
madscientisto: (Default)
I hate being so shy and scared of phone calls. But if I get over this, maybe I'll finally have some communication skills.

Should I be like Okarin and imagine calling someone on the phone and practice?

But yeah I feel like all the unknown numbers i've ignored could have been some hiring managers at random part time job places I've applied to. I mean, it's definitely a possibility. I always thought it was some spam or calling for research studied I signed up for but then realized they were annoying and didn't want to participate or smth. Or just the usual wrong numbers.

I was expecting some email notifications, which some places use, but I guess I could have missed out on the opportunity for job interviews if I never knew I was actually being contacted but ignored all of it because of my fear.

But from now on, although it's really scary, I'll try to pick up all the incoming calls.

But it's weird. I don't mind ordering things on the phone. I had a little miscommunication with this Thai place I usually order for take out one day, so now I just go in and order and wait. I don't mind ordering coffee by myself, and I can talk to strangers asking me directions or whatever, etc. But idk, if I'm the topic of conversation, I sometimes fail miserably depending on my mood and the other person's personality.
madscientisto: (Default)
It's gonna be such a busy month for me....pretty much only because of school. I got finals coming up in 2 weeks but ahah don't want to think about that at all...

because I've been so lazy and antisocial and shy I haven't done anything besides go to class at school, and even that's getting sloppy because I don't skip class but i don't pay attention to lecture. I didn't do so well on the last econ quiz because i was lazy and distracted with stuff on internet using my ipad. so i missed a big chunk of the quiz which the lecturer just went over in class, since we have a review for the quiz right before it in class. how stupid of me...

and i have like 3 group projects ahahhahaha why. got presentations for 2 of them too but i suppose it doesn't have to be super great or whatever. i just don't like working with people i don't care about, which is a huge problem for me.

i applied to volunteer at the seattle comic con that's at the end of March, thank goodness it's during spring break. But unfortunately, that's the only applied position that i've been accepted. I applied to so many internship positions and even some campus jobs and barista jobs at starbucks for the next spring/summer. But honestly, I have no relevant experience or skills in anything whatsoever so i can't blame any of the employers for not hiring e=me, i wouldn't hire myself either.

i'm awfully socially awkward so I can't even imagine myself having any sort of a job. My younger sister recently started working at this local donut place as a cashier and i don't think i can even do something simple like that. not having any experience totally killed my self esteem and confidence so i can't do anything for myself. how am i supposed to do anything for other people in this state?!

i hope that I can change this fact about myself at the end of the month. by writing some cheesy otoge story and volunteering at comic con, and thus socializing with other people, which i suck at. I don't know if I can make any friends at the con tho since i've been so behind on all fandoms. if I do well at this con, i might volunteer at the sakura-con which is an anime convention also in seattle but in april. it depends on what i'm doing spring quarter (probably nothing lol) but yeah i want to change myself although it's much difficult than i ever imagined. i'll be 22 in april OMG but yeah i need to grow up since i feel like i'm a helpless 10 yr old.
madscientisto: (aomine)
Even on some stuff I enjoy (like anime lol)

I should have messaged some profs in the material engineering dept way back like during summer/end of spring when i saw some posts on uw reddit about research opportunity. When I started fall quarter here I was happy because I found "research" opportunity very quickly within my major but most of the time i was just cleaning stuff, without any cool technical activities. So I kinda just quit after going 2 times. And then I pretty much didn't do anything for the rest of fall quarter and look at me now wow. I'm not sure if those other engineering departments have paid research opportunity, since in my major, it's all volunteer work, without getting any cool experience or knowledge. I made some biodiesel in this class but I don't get to volunteer in the biofuel lab until after the whole junior year so LOLOL.

I emailed some profs in other dept and they replied surprisingly quickly, but with a note saying they already hired someone or that they don't need anyone anymore. If I emailed at the beginning of the year or maybe during summer I may have had more chance!!! But no, I spent my glorious summer in my room, reading manga. I don't mind the entertainment but I wish I can take those time back. I wish I looked at my possibilities for work study and research as soon as I became an undergrad and didn't slack off. I had tons of time when I lived at the dorm but I wasted watching anime and being a loner. You might think if I don't have social life I could have studied harder and get better grades but no. I never got the good distractions of college, I guess.

I'm trying to get "connected" with people on linkedin and I've been on an adding spree on facebook hahahaha. But I suck at networking and making friends and good, lasting relationships, even on the internet.

I'm so behind on...life? Some people I know my age already have a clear path to good careers, and if they don't go to school, some are happily married and have kids. I wish I could either of those in the near future. If I can get a good husband (lol let's get realistic here tho) I could become a housewife..ha..hahaha.

sometimes it's easy to blame my lack of confidence from moving too much or the fact that english is my second language or that I'm the first person in family to go to college...for my boring life.

I will (I gotta) try again and email people who posts research opportunities or