madscientisto: (Default)
2031-12-30 01:03 am
Entry tags:

☂locked

°3°)/

comment to be added

layout by visualwit
madscientisto: (Default)
2015-02-11 07:11 pm

feeling discouraged again

I was having a good day, picking up Downton Abbey and trying to catch up to it, keeping up with news, reading a new book, volunteering in lab, and just about to do some homework....when I see someone on fb post that he got an interview from Boeing. Asking to wish him luck. I mean, of course, I wish him good luck, and I don't care if he got the interview because his parents work at Boeing or his excellent resume. I like this classmate of mine and I wish him all the good luck in the world...I hope I had something similar though.

I applied to Boeing like 1000 times but of course, I'm so under qualified for anything I never hear back, like ever. I actually have a mentor who works at Boeing around Seattle and I met with her once at the end of fall of quarter and that went fine. Well, except I didn't get to tell her all my problems...

I just wrote a draft email to my mentor but I can't make myself click send...

I've been trying to make myself a better person, whether that means more thoughtful or smart or engaging. I feel like it's too hard though. I'm best being an attentive observer. I can never be a leader or a good thinker or a problem solver (all that's asked of engineers now ways) and that idea kills me.

I guess one of the reasons why I'm trying to catch up on pop culture (mainly Superbowl, Oscar movies, and some tv shows) is because I want to feel connected to people. I just don't get along with many people because I'm so quiet and clueless and often and don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like engaging myself with news and pop culture makes me feel connected or somehow useful. That I have a purpose.

I really need to see a career counselor. Or just a counselor in general. I've been going to the doctor lately because I had a knee pain on my right knee only when I walked long distance...like on campus. I don't feel the pain anymore, but I asked for an X-ray and they actually found something on my knee: calcium deposits. The doc told me some super long name of a disease that supposedly deposits calcium from blood or hormones or whatever. I had my blood drawn for some tests yesterday from my right arm and it feels heavy.

What I wanted to say is that I always lie when the nurse asks me if I've had depression for the last 2 weeks. Of course I have. I've been depressed my whole life. But if I told them, I feel like I'm admitting some defeat, that I'm super weak and stupid and ungrateful for my life.

Could I actually become a useful, meaningful citizen if I don't have a job? I've sucked so much private, state and federal money in tuition grant and scholarship and health care so I feel bad for using all the resources without giving back. If I had a conventional family (i.e. Not Asian) I'd been kicked out of my parent's and may have to live on the street. My family isn't discouraging me from pursuing certain types of jobs, but at the same time, they're not encouraging me to do anything. Now I feel so depressed and incompetent that I absolutely cannot do a thing. For myself or for others.


haaaaahahahha I'm screwed for life.
madscientisto: (Default)
2015-01-31 08:05 pm

I feel so tired

If feeling constantly tired is a symptom of depression, I've had it since I moved to America. At first, I was so mad to leave my awesome Japanese culture of food, anime, and the quality of everyday Japanese goods. Then I realized that I don't miss any friends from schools in Japan at all. I was just sorry that I moved to middle of nowhere in America.

Now I know better, I think I didn't bother to find cool things about the place I lived. I partly blame this on my parents, boring Japanese people without much interests in American culture. That made me care less for all the cool American stuff and now it's so hard to hold a good conversation with anyone in person.

Actually I believe I've never had any meaningful conversation with anyone. At the beginning, it was due to my lack of English skills. But even after I leaned to understand most of conversational English, I didn't practice enough speaking and now, my communication skills is too embarrassing.

Now I feel I'm so tired of school and I don't even want to apply to jobs because I know I don't qualify for anything targeted to college graduates from my school. Almost all the jobs call for excellent communication skills, both oral and written, and due to my weak listening skills, oral communication is one of my worst skills.

Anyways, after all the rejection from jobs, lack of social life, and disinterest in society, I feel so tired to do anything. Of course, I want to become a better person and have an amazing career and eventually a beautiful family, but...I don't have any confidence. How does one even get confidence????


Anyways, I'm trying to improve my cultural understanding of, well, everything. I've invested way too much of my time into Japanese culture, primarily anime and manga. But other than that, I'm just as clueless about Japan as anybody else since my parents didn't bother putting me and my sister into Japanese school. I don't know much about Japanese history or anything. Majority of my knowledge of Japan came from anime or manga. Those are amazing parts of Japanese culture, but that's not everything. I'd been too stupid to realize that.

Now I'm trying to read many novels, nonfiction, news, magazines and everything that I may gain inspiring or useful knowledge about our culture. My professor said she read lots of philosophical stuff and that will be useful. I'm reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami and omg idk half of all the references to philosophers and all the metaphorical or metaphysical things that sound so foreign to me. But I'm learning a lot from just exposing myself to this novel. I'm reading the Japanese version but I can see why this author is well known globally.

I just need to keep learning to become a more well rounded person. I need to realize that people everywhere are more miserable than me that I should be thankful for everything I have.

Being so tired, though, it makes it really hard not to just want to graduate and rest for a long time. I need to relax and think about things. Keep going will be hard but I will try.
madscientisto: (Default)
2015-01-02 10:09 pm

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wish everyone's 2015 will be a good one!!


I'm seriously worried about mine, since i'm graduating from college!!! Class of 2015 sounds nice to me, but it'll make me sad if I can't get a job within...a few months after graduation. ;w;

it's all good since I don't have to take hard classes and overwork myself for a grade and stuff, but i don't know how to work for money and i don't even know what kinds of job i want for the future.

TO make matters worse, I don't have intern experience as an engineer so i don't know if I can use my major. i'm okay not being an engineer, but i worked so hard to pass all the math and science classes and it's a shame not to utilize some of those knowledge...(but i really don't mind any job as long as it has good pay and benefits).


But first, I need to talk about Naruto!

My Christmas and New Years was filled with Naruto because I've been trying to read the series from beginning to end, starting at vol 1! I'm at vol 62 right now, where I stopped about 2 yrs ago. I can't believe Kishimoto said the series is going towards the end about, idk 5 years ago, around vol 40 or 50 or something that range. I still haven't read the part with Obito's past but I've been getting a lot of nostalgic emotions from the manga. And merely listening to the old anime theme songs makes me wanna tear up. But anyways, it's been running for too long. I do love it despite it, because I'm getting so emotional so I don't mind all the flashbacks lol.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-12-24 12:19 am
Entry tags:

naruto is awesome

The chuunin exam was so good around vol5-15!!!! Gotta love Gaara ;w;

I read those 10 vols all today and I'm glad Akatsuki and Itachi showed up after that. Naruto really had good plotline and character development around the beginning and I miss that so much!

I'll be pretty tired after vol 30 or smth and not sure how i'll continue to finish it soon but the beginning of naruto used to be so much fun and I really, really miss that.


Probably should finish kurobas soon huh?
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-12-19 08:29 pm

things to do over break

Write Christmas cards!!

Read more books and magazines that just keep piling up in my room (I have subscriptions to 5 mags from Delta miles or smth).

Job hunting!!!

But I haven't done much since classes and all final tests have finished. One of the reasons is that I was super paranoid about my grades, which turned out to be really great this quarter and I have no idea why. I guess sucking up to profs did help in my major classes and the amath prof was extremely lenient on grading bc it's his first time teaching? idk but my quarter grade is the best I've ever gotten and that made me happy.

On Sunday, I met my engineering mentor who works at Boeing...she's so lucky she's been there since graduating from college and she loves the NW and Seattle area and loves her job and she just looks so happy she's looking to buy a house around the area with her boyfriend. I wish i can be like her but tbh, to be lucky like her, you probably need super good grades to be even invited to an interview at a good company like Boeing and she's like the typical female engineer with love of outdoors and idk people who loves outdoors seem to be really outgoing too, so she must have good social circle.

She gave me lots of tips about job hunting and all that, but i feel like i need to work 10000x harder than everyone else if i want to get a job that i'd enjoy.

I guess that's the first step: find out what i want to do for my career. I chose engineering for my major and I love it sometimes and other times, I loath the stressful challenges especially for female population in the industry.

I need to do so many things, some for my fun and others for my future, but really i want to be happy at work so job hunting is really hard for me since i don't have much experience in the engineering field so i still don't know what to do. So I've started to read some self help and philosophy books to have a better idea of who I want to be.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-11-18 10:39 pm
Entry tags:

book review: tale of two cities

I'm glad I read this book now. I read Great Expectations in senior year of high school and I remember being so long and confusing and I was just reading it to prepare for AP lit test, which I ended up doing just ok, couldn't even get college credit though. I did read through the sparknotes for ToTC book just to make sure I wasn't falling asleep when I was reading/listening with the audiobook. But this time, I read this novel just for my own pleasure and I can relate so much to it.

It's been 4 yrs and now I'm a senior in college, and there's so much uncertainty in my life that I thought reading some dark-themed novel might be interesting. I guess I can always read depressing news around the world to remind myself that my life is great compared to that, but reading a long novel gives me so much emotional attachment to characters that I can't easily get with hard fact news.

I don't know enough about the whole European history so I wasn't that into French Revolution but reading this was a good cultural overview about it. I should read more historical fiction.

The main theme of the book is resurrection and love and all that cool thing I need in my life right now. I cried at the end and thought it was so sad but very beautiful. I want to be like Sydney Carton. I need to read the bible for some Christian references too.

I think I'll keep writing book reviews whenever I finish one.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-10-31 11:01 pm

I really need to start thinking about what I want to do with my life

I really should. I'm in engineering but I find so many other professions interesting than most engineering. That first job out of college is probably going to be important for any industry, but I don't know what I want.

I don't know what I'm capable of, and I don't know where I want to work/live at.

Maybe I should think about this after I get offers but man thinking about making major decision is scary....
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-09-23 09:40 pm

wow i'm so indecisive

Well, sometimes anyway.

And then when I need to make decisions quickly, I kinda panic...hahaha

So I realized that there are so many info sessions to attend and I really should go to these if I want any chance at getting to know the companies and stand out to the recruiters. So that I can get interviews to practice and eventually GET JOBS!?!

That seems way too hard but within a month, I need to go to like 10 of these, including some career fairs. Fairs are during the day time, but info sessions are at night and I commute 2hrs each way, and when it ends around 8, I'll get home definitely after 10pm....

I try to get into bed bu 10:30 so that I can wake up around 6:30 and go to school. I mean, that's the ideal...to stay healthy and sane while going to college...without any social life....;w;

Freshman year I lived in the dorm I hate with roommates I hate but I've been commuting for 2yrs now and it didn't occur to me to live on campus for my senior year. Because I've been forgetting about applying to jobs, lol stupid me.

It's super late to get an apartment or dorm room, and I didn't want to pay for it anyways, but now, my main option would be to stay at a nearby hotel every single time I need to stay late on campus for those info sessions.

But wait, I don't even have a credit card so I can't make appt on my own!? They take debit cards...right?

It's just that with my super Asian parents, or mostly my mom, they try to be overprotective, and in my case, they are too reluctant to let us children go on our lives....

I'll complain about my parents in another post. I need to get a shower and sleep and prepare for tomorrow....
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-09-18 09:38 pm

(no subject)

idk why i have these extremes; being so confident i imagine myself being a super rich and happy engineer/banker/researcher/artist and then realizing my stupid faults and feeling my confidence disappearing into thin air.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-09-08 08:00 pm

I love Downton Abbey

This stupid addicting show. It's beautiful and all the drama is so cheesy but I love it.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-08-21 07:50 pm

my coworker is so boring

but thank goodness next week will be our last week together!! idk if I'll be working in this lab or another one but whatever it's about time things changed around here.

My coworker (and also classmate) are both quiet, but there is nothing interesting about her and lunch time or any other free time is so painful bc now there's nothing to talk about. I'm never the convo starter but with her, I'm usually asking about stuff and she doesn't elaborate much on anything.

After watching her, I realize I need to step up and become more social and fun.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-07-26 10:43 pm

I kinda want to go to comic con

Only to remind myself that I'm not insane like most of the attendees.

I went to the one in Seattle in March and that was small but good enough for me. I just want to visit California so I want to go to the San Diego one. But I wouldn't be able to stand the heat and crowd.

For the same reasons I want to go to Comiket but not really bc it's hot and crowded.

Since I'm rather busy this summer, I can't really watch all the interesting anime and even if I did, my time and love dedicated to fandoms is slowly decreasing anyways. Sometimes I feel like I only watch and read things just to let time pass by. Most of the time things go straight through my head and I wouldn't remember much of it unless it hit me somehow emotionally. Maybe I really need to be super picky about what to watch and read during my limited free time.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-07-25 08:52 pm

it's been 4 weeks at work

...working in prof's research lab.

But I realized that the prof owns the lab, the grad students are the ones doing any research atm. The prof's on vacation in Europe since she has family in Poland or whatever but she's pretty much traveling for fun. Apparently she watched the world cup final in Germany.

The grad students are like the slaves to the prof and the undergrads like me are grad student's slaves. I mean yeah some of us get paid but it's way too much work. The grad students always look tired and stressed. Feeling the tension in the lab makes me tired everyday. And now I'm late everyday and try to sit down and rest my legs (or slack off) as much as I can. Prof is the one that approves the timesheets and she's so far away in Europe, I still get paid for all the hours I put in the time sheet. She told me to put 8 hrs a day anyways. I only really work for like 5 or 6.

I get paid slightly above min wage but not much compared to all the classmates who got real intern jobs ;w; I thought since Seattle approved to raise min wage to $15 in 5 yrs, my prof would set my pay to be 15. But although I get work study award which pays for about half my wage, prof set my pay to be 10. It's still above min wage in WA and the national average but yeah, it's cheap. But I shouldn't complain since it's my first job ever right?

Today is the day the first paycheck is available but...the first one is mailed to our home address lol why is this system stuck in the 80s??? Maybe bc all the employers are so old? I wonder when I really get paid.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-07-19 09:21 pm

summer reading part 1

thought I should update this blog more often bc I've been reading a lot recently.
I'm actually in the middle of reading things so it's not really a review...

I finished reading Honey and Clover!!! The last final chapters made me cry like a baby omg I love you Takemotoooooo!!! I wanna watch the anime again just bc of him and Kamiya Hiroshi but Kamiya got in the accident so he's not in the last ep of the 2nd season...the series finale. So idk if I'll watch the whole thing or just some eps but yah this made me so nostalgic (although I'd forgotten most of the chara's names). It was only 10 volumes but it took me such a long time like 2 months since I finished spring quarter. Now that I'm a senior in college with no life plans what so ever, I see myself in Takemoto so much (except falling in love part lol). I'm gonna watch the movie again. I watched it once a long time ago but it turned out really boring like many live action Japanese movies based on manga. But I found out Sakai Masato was playing Hanamoto so I must....or should watch it again....just for him.


And since I don't have much time to update things anyway, I'll talk about Clash of Kings, which I'm almost done with. I've been listening to the audio book on the way to school (or work). At first I just wanted to get caught up with the Game of Thrones without watching the horrific scenes in HBO series, but now it's getting harder not to watch it. I've only watched the first season's pilot and it was all good except for the obscene scenes. I'e heard about the good acting and the visual effects and somewhat interesting plot. But now that I've been reading or really listening to the books with those scenes in it, I feel like I can take them now. Maybe. Anyways, the 2nd book is good like the first one, just way more characters than I can ever remember.

yeah actually these are the only things I had been reading this summer, in terms of books. I'll read Tonari no kaibutsu kun now that it's finished running and continue with the Ice and Fire maybe for the next 2 books.

I've also been reading a lot of magazines like Time, the Economist, Entertainment weekly, Fortune, and kinda just skim through Health and Instyle, bc we get those magazines regularly and I guess I gotta read them. Mom thought we had to use the Delta skymiles from when we went to Osaka but apparently we didn't have to use it then. I like reading the Economist the best with all the random politics and business news that goes right through me but still it's good to be informed of global news. Time pretty much covers the similar topics. Ew sometimes has interesting articles on pop culture, which I'm obviously behind but probably not important so it's ok but somethings interest me anyways.


This summer, I'm working 40 hrs a week for an "internship" or working in my prof's lab which is both boring and cheap but that was the only person willing to hire me so that's fine. I just wanted this summer to be different from other summers since it's my last long summer break in college. If I can't get a job after graduation, it might not just be summer but i wanted to do something other than just watching anime and just waiting time to pass by, so reading a lot of things is a big change. I mean, I had read a lot of manga in the past summers, but I try to mix things up a bit. When I'm done with more reading, I might do a part 2.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-06-21 03:06 pm

zeta gundam

finally finished watching zeta gundam today and i think i started it last summer but left about a half of the series in my usb and forgot about it oops.

when i picked it up again after i finished classes this spring quarter i just wanted to clear up my usb. But once I started watching again i came to love the series.

well, at first, i was watching while trying to beat 2048 on another window (which i finally did YAY) and hatching for shiny eggs in pokemon (obviously that shiny charm ain't working).

but then I came to really love the music, characters and all that drama, and even the crappy 80s art technology (the character design and stuff was fine).

Now I think I can understand some (if not most) of the gundam z refs. I started listening to the DGS radio and sometimes they have lots of gundam refs and the writer of this radio show really loves Haman Karn and plays around with OnoD and HiroC, which can be funny, sometimes. Anyways I'm glad I watched this anime now.

I should watch gundam ZZ (the 3rd gundam TV show?) next lol what is this never ending series...? But i dl'd this huge gundam wing file so I'll tackle that and all the other anime and non-anime series...sometime soon. hopefully all during the summer so i wouldn't forget.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-06-16 10:15 am

(no subject)

Gotta get my license asap so i gotta practice like crazy!!!

I told my mom that I should get a driver's license since many intern places required it, but then I thought, i don't want to go to middle of nowhere, where cars are kinda required to get around. Even if i get my license this summer i'll be a paper driver without insurance so I'll only drive if I need to....which is like never lol. Until i graduate and get a real job anyways.

I'm watching this year's UW graduation ceremony on youtube and can't believe I'll be doing that next year.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-06-13 03:11 pm

(no subject)

i hate hearing about people from church!!

my mom always get some news from people in church over phone or meeting or whatever. And almost always, she tells me about what kids my age are doing.

Some kids are graduating this year and some plans to go to grad/med school. And some families are doing quite well and all that. I don't want to hear any of that.

I don't care about all those people. I don't. They never talk to me and I never talk to them personally so it's better for me not to hear about those people's lives. Yeah, they're people in my church and I should kinda care for them, but I don't care about them.

I feel like I'm being pressured into getting good jobs and all that after graduation but I really have no confidence. I don't have confidence in myself. I don't want to disappoint my family who supported me so much but I really don't have anything to be proud of.

How am I supposed grow up....someone tell me~
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-06-12 07:38 pm

I need to work out lol

So I love ice cream. And it's almost summer. The weather is not really hot yet but my heart is. Ready for summer and ice and ice cream.

I discovered that Haagen daz have this app called concerto timer and it's the most random thing, watching holographic people play classics for like 3 mins while the ice cream softens. I just go straight right out of the freezer but apparently that's not the best way. Anyway I tried it and I love it so much and I want to eat as much haagen daz ice cream as possible.

But I also love frozen yogurt, which we also have in the freezer rn.
And donuts. My sister works at a local donut shop and I kinda became addicted. Tomorrow I'll get to eat more and ahahahhaa....

And I like drinking soy milk. It's actually pretty healthy and has as much as calcium as milk, but the best thing about it is that it helps with menstrual pain?? Or drinking for a week before your period helps you prevent some cramps. It works for me and anyways I love soy milk and drink it daily. But with all the fat from donuts and carbs, the soy milk really helped my boobs get bigger this month. Because soy milk has estrogen or smth. I mean my stomach is...fat but now my boobs too and ugh I feel fat I need to work out. But I don't want to go outside when I don't have to.
madscientisto: (Default)
2014-06-12 07:32 pm

Finished my juninor year yeah!

And I actually have a summer job? YAY? except it's just a work study job working in my prof's research lab...I have to work 40 hr/wk starting July and going til the end of Sept, or when school starts again. So I have a super short break before I have to start working.

I'm happy that I'm finally doing something for the break but at the same time, I'll be so tired everyday after work so idk if I'd have time for fandoms or social life (not that I have one).

I feel like I didn't learn anything this school year and I've realized I'm way too childish about so many aspects of life so I'm not sure if I'm ready to work. I feel this lazy now and I guess it's okay since I'm not graduating. But next year when I plan to graduate, and I don't have real job plans after graduation, I'll be so screwed.

Thinking about employment in general would kill me. It's already making me super nervous and I have some anxiety issues orzzzz
I hope this 'job' will give me some confidence and not just experience.