I said some mean things to my sister today. well, it was out of love, anyways.....

We talk in Japanese and it feels SO AWKWARD for me to talk in English. so at home, it's Japanese and when we are around some ppl who only speak English, well, I don't talk much if I was with my sister.

And I feel like because her Japanese is much worse than mine since she was younger when we moved to America from Japan, I think she doesn't have enough vocabulary to express her feelings. So, when she gets irritated by me, she always says stuff like「死ね」or 「殺すぞ」or 「ブス」and other mean things....

She's 3years younger than me and she probably got her bad temper from mom, and yeah mom and dad fights A LOT. or more like stupid arguments over every little thing but they argue so often and loudly and it definitely affected both of us negatively.

I've been having some serious self esteem issues lately, and little things that my sister say do affect me and my self esteem. I often didn't think much since she used to only tell me to "die" or "I'll kill you" only after I teased her for something, but lately she says whenever she feels annoyed by me. It could be when I was asking something while she was watching a movie on her laptop like today. Yeah I get that you don't want to be interrupted but does she have to say those mean things to me?

So after I got mom to scold her a bit, I went up to her myself and told that I won't tease her anymore so she shouldn't tell me to die like she does everyday. And I also told her that she's not some character from a shounen manga, (she's been reading a lot lately) so she shouldn't use bad language, especially towards me if I don't deserve it. I also told her that the only part of her I found cute was her cheeks, which I tease her for often, and that she's not actually cute like the heroine characters in fiction. I was like we are not that physically beautiful (I have some issues but she is a bit cuter than me) so we must be beautiful inside, and with her horrible language and behavior she will never be a good person, or smth like that.

idk if she cared but she really needs to change and it reminded me that I NEED CHANGE AS WELL. I've always been timid and shy and so I don't talk much to anyone really, which contributes to my self esteem badly. but when I told her that I kinda felt a sense of power and dominance over her childishness, which she could have gotten from my own selfishness. idk this family is as messed up as I am and I wanna fix that somehow orz

more complains about sister

she really wants to drive on her own. the good thing is that she has a license and enough practice. the sad thing is she doesn't have her own car or the responsibility to have one.

she really wants to drive around like her friends all do but of course, those people own a car for themselves, whether they paid on their own or had parents pay for it. we obviously can't afford that lol and she only has a part time job of like 10hr/wk and mos def not enough in her account to buy one.

she is really ambitious and that's a good thing but she really is clueless about the general things about life. like myself, she doesn't help around at home, never does laundry, cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, etc. she only takes 2 classes this quarter at a community college and she'll graduate soon and will start my uni in the fall and mom doesn't trust her to live in the dorm so she's gonna commute for her first year. I got used to it but it's gonna be even more time consuming for her so she's probably not gonna do chores when school starts. if she doesn't do chores now when she has time, which she spends all on watching kpop, anime, movies, she's not gonna help around when she gets super busy with all the hard classes she'll take next quarter.

I am proud of her for getting into electrical engineering and God I pray that she'll get a good job so she can feed us all later lol. but she's no more responsible than I was when I stated college and so she doesn't deserve to drive on her own, even without the financial problems, she is super selfish and can't handle emergency no more than me or dad, who speaks really bad English, hence poor job and poor life for all of us.

I guess I'm the best mentor she got and maybe that's why she's so selfish and mean, but she needs to open her eyes, not to kpop stars, but reality of the life we live in.

can I be a leader?

I feel like I'm never confident enough in school, because I don't have leadership skills. I always thought it came from some experience like jobs and volunteer work which I don't have much of, so that's why I don't get job offers. but I realized that I simply don't have leadership in classrooms or labs or in a group of friends. I'm not much of a talker but I saw that one of the not so talkative guy in my major has a lot of leadership skills because he has a family. like omg he was working full time while attending a community college until his daughter as born. idk how old he is but he's already married and taking care of his child and I was like WHAAAA and his competence in school and projects show that he has enough skills and that's why he's so helpful and has a sense of leadership in projects and things.

maybe I need to do this at home. I need to be the leader and not the passive family member who let boring things happen to me. but idk it looks so hard and annoying. I could start with chores and actually giving helpful advise to sister and trying to fix my parents relationship and become more independent and at least idk figure out how to pay bills? maybe I should actively talk to mom and figure out what I need to do if she gets sick and hospitalized or something. should I spend less time on hobbies and try to become an independent, if not useful, member of the society??? I mean, if I can't get a job when I graduate, I have to at least be a confident individual who has enough communication and leadership skills? I thought being in my major will give me those things but obviously I need to learn how to learn that. seeing that's the thing employers look for the most, maybe if I can at prove it, maybe I don't need the relevant experience when I look for a job?