I should really be more thankful

Lately I felt like I was so useless to the society and the thought of being unemployed after college made me feel even worse.

Finding out people who are in similar situation as I am is comforting.

There is this one girl who applied for the research grant scholarship as I did. Both of us didn't make the first cut. I don't know if we can make it off the wait-list. She texted me the day after the email announcement came from the application department and we told each other that we got the bad news. That was yesterday, and today, she came up to me to say hi, asking how I was. I was surprised that she could kind of tell that I wasn't too thrilled to hear that I didn't get the scholarship over the text. And I was surprised that she was so friendly to me, following up to me after the text and comforting me. I'm also surprised that although she has the social skills that I don't, she still can't find internships like me.

I guess I still suffer from envying other people. I like people who has similar or worse grades than I do, and I'm so annoyed by smart people in the major, especially people who don't try to share their success. But then again, I was all about just beating the curve and thanking for people who do worse than me in tests, so I guess that's bad of me. I did sent my old physics the underclassmen in the major who's suffering through that right now, so I hope that makes up for it.

This week I was so frustrated that I can't be the best of the best probably in the near future and that disappointed me so much. But then again, I still have a lot of things I should be grateful for anyway. I basically pay nothing for tuition since my family is super poor and I guess America kinda cares about some of the people. I got health insurance now and I'm getting another glasses for my eyes that keeps getting worse every year. It's not like the thin ones they have in Japan since FDA regulates these but ah well. If I save all the money from the scholarships I can go to Japan again in a few years, hopefully.

I just hated this uncertainty in my life but I guess I should just live with it anyway since everyone else are trying to live happily as well.

I started reading A Song of Ice and Fire

Because I wanted to get into the Game of Thrones fandom but I can't take HBO's obscenities. I thought I should improve my English skills and oh boy it's working. Well, I hope so. I'm reading the ebook and listening go the audiobook narrated by some British guy. My hearing sucks, especially for some unfamiliar accents and sometimes it's hard to pick up even British accents. So the audiobook + ebook is really nice.

I should just dl a whole bunch of English novels I wanted to read. If I can pirate manga and anime from Japan, I can do that with English novels much easily. I should read more Japanese novels too though. I felt as though my Japanese that I learned from anime and manga is horrible. I wish I went to Japanese school and kept learning so that I can truly say that I'm a native Japanese speaker. But really it's embarrassing. My English sucks too, so I can barely say that I'm a bilingual.

If I can't get a job after college in the engineering field, I will try to at least refine my language and communication skills.