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If feeling constantly tired is a symptom of depression, I've had it since I moved to America. At first, I was so mad to leave my awesome Japanese culture of food, anime, and the quality of everyday Japanese goods. Then I realized that I don't miss any friends from schools in Japan at all. I was just sorry that I moved to middle of nowhere in America.

Now I know better, I think I didn't bother to find cool things about the place I lived. I partly blame this on my parents, boring Japanese people without much interests in American culture. That made me care less for all the cool American stuff and now it's so hard to hold a good conversation with anyone in person.

Actually I believe I've never had any meaningful conversation with anyone. At the beginning, it was due to my lack of English skills. But even after I leaned to understand most of conversational English, I didn't practice enough speaking and now, my communication skills is too embarrassing.

Now I feel I'm so tired of school and I don't even want to apply to jobs because I know I don't qualify for anything targeted to college graduates from my school. Almost all the jobs call for excellent communication skills, both oral and written, and due to my weak listening skills, oral communication is one of my worst skills.

Anyways, after all the rejection from jobs, lack of social life, and disinterest in society, I feel so tired to do anything. Of course, I want to become a better person and have an amazing career and eventually a beautiful family, but...I don't have any confidence. How does one even get confidence????


Anyways, I'm trying to improve my cultural understanding of, well, everything. I've invested way too much of my time into Japanese culture, primarily anime and manga. But other than that, I'm just as clueless about Japan as anybody else since my parents didn't bother putting me and my sister into Japanese school. I don't know much about Japanese history or anything. Majority of my knowledge of Japan came from anime or manga. Those are amazing parts of Japanese culture, but that's not everything. I'd been too stupid to realize that.

Now I'm trying to read many novels, nonfiction, news, magazines and everything that I may gain inspiring or useful knowledge about our culture. My professor said she read lots of philosophical stuff and that will be useful. I'm reading Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami and omg idk half of all the references to philosophers and all the metaphorical or metaphysical things that sound so foreign to me. But I'm learning a lot from just exposing myself to this novel. I'm reading the Japanese version but I can see why this author is well known globally.

I just need to keep learning to become a more well rounded person. I need to realize that people everywhere are more miserable than me that I should be thankful for everything I have.

Being so tired, though, it makes it really hard not to just want to graduate and rest for a long time. I need to relax and think about things. Keep going will be hard but I will try.

The chuunin exam was so good around vol5-15!!!! Gotta love Gaara ;w;

I read those 10 vols all today and I'm glad Akatsuki and Itachi showed up after that. Naruto really had good plotline and character development around the beginning and I miss that so much!

I'll be pretty tired after vol 30 or smth and not sure how i'll continue to finish it soon but the beginning of naruto used to be so much fun and I really, really miss that.


Probably should finish kurobas soon huh?

I'm glad I read this book now. I read Great Expectations in senior year of high school and I remember being so long and confusing and I was just reading it to prepare for AP lit test, which I ended up doing just ok, couldn't even get college credit though. I did read through the sparknotes for ToTC book just to make sure I wasn't falling asleep when I was reading/listening with the audiobook. But this time, I read this novel just for my own pleasure and I can relate so much to it.

It's been 4 yrs and now I'm a senior in college, and there's so much uncertainty in my life that I thought reading some dark-themed novel might be interesting. I guess I can always read depressing news around the world to remind myself that my life is great compared to that, but reading a long novel gives me so much emotional attachment to characters that I can't easily get with hard fact news.

I don't know enough about the whole European history so I wasn't that into French Revolution but reading this was a good cultural overview about it. I should read more historical fiction.

The main theme of the book is resurrection and love and all that cool thing I need in my life right now. I cried at the end and thought it was so sad but very beautiful. I want to be like Sydney Carton. I need to read the bible for some Christian references too.

I think I'll keep writing book reviews whenever I finish one.

Well, sometimes anyway.

And then when I need to make decisions quickly, I kinda panic...hahaha

So I realized that there are so many info sessions to attend and I really should go to these if I want any chance at getting to know the companies and stand out to the recruiters. So that I can get interviews to practice and eventually GET JOBS!?!

That seems way too hard but within a month, I need to go to like 10 of these, including some career fairs. Fairs are during the day time, but info sessions are at night and I commute 2hrs each way, and when it ends around 8, I'll get home definitely after 10pm....

I try to get into bed bu 10:30 so that I can wake up around 6:30 and go to school. I mean, that's the ideal...to stay healthy and sane while going to college...without any social life....;w;

Freshman year I lived in the dorm I hate with roommates I hate but I've been commuting for 2yrs now and it didn't occur to me to live on campus for my senior year. Because I've been forgetting about applying to jobs, lol stupid me.

It's super late to get an apartment or dorm room, and I didn't want to pay for it anyways, but now, my main option would be to stay at a nearby hotel every single time I need to stay late on campus for those info sessions.

But wait, I don't even have a credit card so I can't make appt on my own!? They take debit cards...right?

It's just that with my super Asian parents, or mostly my mom, they try to be overprotective, and in my case, they are too reluctant to let us children go on our lives....

I'll complain about my parents in another post. I need to get a shower and sleep and prepare for tomorrow....

This stupid addicting show. It's beautiful and all the drama is so cheesy but I love it.

Only to remind myself that I'm not insane like most of the attendees.

I went to the one in Seattle in March and that was small but good enough for me. I just want to visit California so I want to go to the San Diego one. But I wouldn't be able to stand the heat and crowd.

For the same reasons I want to go to Comiket but not really bc it's hot and crowded.

Since I'm rather busy this summer, I can't really watch all the interesting anime and even if I did, my time and love dedicated to fandoms is slowly decreasing anyways. Sometimes I feel like I only watch and read things just to let time pass by. Most of the time things go straight through my head and I wouldn't remember much of it unless it hit me somehow emotionally. Maybe I really need to be super picky about what to watch and read during my limited free time.

thought I should update this blog more often bc I've been reading a lot recently.
I'm actually in the middle of reading things so it's not really a review...

I finished reading Honey and Clover!!! The last final chapters made me cry like a baby omg I love you Takemotoooooo!!! I wanna watch the anime again just bc of him and Kamiya Hiroshi but Kamiya got in the accident so he's not in the last ep of the 2nd season...the series finale. So idk if I'll watch the whole thing or just some eps but yah this made me so nostalgic (although I'd forgotten most of the chara's names). It was only 10 volumes but it took me such a long time like 2 months since I finished spring quarter. Now that I'm a senior in college with no life plans what so ever, I see myself in Takemoto so much (except falling in love part lol). I'm gonna watch the movie again. I watched it once a long time ago but it turned out really boring like many live action Japanese movies based on manga. But I found out Sakai Masato was playing Hanamoto so I must....or should watch it again....just for him.


And since I don't have much time to update things anyway, I'll talk about Clash of Kings, which I'm almost done with. I've been listening to the audio book on the way to school (or work). At first I just wanted to get caught up with the Game of Thrones without watching the horrific scenes in HBO series, but now it's getting harder not to watch it. I've only watched the first season's pilot and it was all good except for the obscene scenes. I'e heard about the good acting and the visual effects and somewhat interesting plot. But now that I've been reading or really listening to the books with those scenes in it, I feel like I can take them now. Maybe. Anyways, the 2nd book is good like the first one, just way more characters than I can ever remember.

yeah actually these are the only things I had been reading this summer, in terms of books. I'll read Tonari no kaibutsu kun now that it's finished running and continue with the Ice and Fire maybe for the next 2 books.

I've also been reading a lot of magazines like Time, the Economist, Entertainment weekly, Fortune, and kinda just skim through Health and Instyle, bc we get those magazines regularly and I guess I gotta read them. Mom thought we had to use the Delta skymiles from when we went to Osaka but apparently we didn't have to use it then. I like reading the Economist the best with all the random politics and business news that goes right through me but still it's good to be informed of global news. Time pretty much covers the similar topics. Ew sometimes has interesting articles on pop culture, which I'm obviously behind but probably not important so it's ok but somethings interest me anyways.


This summer, I'm working 40 hrs a week for an "internship" or working in my prof's lab which is both boring and cheap but that was the only person willing to hire me so that's fine. I just wanted this summer to be different from other summers since it's my last long summer break in college. If I can't get a job after graduation, it might not just be summer but i wanted to do something other than just watching anime and just waiting time to pass by, so reading a lot of things is a big change. I mean, I had read a lot of manga in the past summers, but I try to mix things up a bit. When I'm done with more reading, I might do a part 2.

Gotta get my license asap so i gotta practice like crazy!!!

I told my mom that I should get a driver's license since many intern places required it, but then I thought, i don't want to go to middle of nowhere, where cars are kinda required to get around. Even if i get my license this summer i'll be a paper driver without insurance so I'll only drive if I need to....which is like never lol. Until i graduate and get a real job anyways.

I'm watching this year's UW graduation ceremony on youtube and can't believe I'll be doing that next year.

So I love ice cream. And it's almost summer. The weather is not really hot yet but my heart is. Ready for summer and ice and ice cream.

I discovered that Haagen daz have this app called concerto timer and it's the most random thing, watching holographic people play classics for like 3 mins while the ice cream softens. I just go straight right out of the freezer but apparently that's not the best way. Anyway I tried it and I love it so much and I want to eat as much haagen daz ice cream as possible.

But I also love frozen yogurt, which we also have in the freezer rn.
And donuts. My sister works at a local donut shop and I kinda became addicted. Tomorrow I'll get to eat more and ahahahhaa....

And I like drinking soy milk. It's actually pretty healthy and has as much as calcium as milk, but the best thing about it is that it helps with menstrual pain?? Or drinking for a week before your period helps you prevent some cramps. It works for me and anyways I love soy milk and drink it daily. But with all the fat from donuts and carbs, the soy milk really helped my boobs get bigger this month. Because soy milk has estrogen or smth. I mean my stomach is...fat but now my boobs too and ugh I feel fat I need to work out. But I don't want to go outside when I don't have to.