feeling discouraged again

I was having a good day, picking up Downton Abbey and trying to catch up to it, keeping up with news, reading a new book, volunteering in lab, and just about to do some homework....when I see someone on fb post that he got an interview from Boeing. Asking to wish him luck. I mean, of course, I wish him good luck, and I don't care if he got the interview because his parents work at Boeing or his excellent resume. I like this classmate of mine and I wish him all the good luck in the world...I hope I had something similar though.

I applied to Boeing like 1000 times but of course, I'm so under qualified for anything I never hear back, like ever. I actually have a mentor who works at Boeing around Seattle and I met with her once at the end of fall of quarter and that went fine. Well, except I didn't get to tell her all my problems...

I just wrote a draft email to my mentor but I can't make myself click send...

I've been trying to make myself a better person, whether that means more thoughtful or smart or engaging. I feel like it's too hard though. I'm best being an attentive observer. I can never be a leader or a good thinker or a problem solver (all that's asked of engineers now ways) and that idea kills me.

I guess one of the reasons why I'm trying to catch up on pop culture (mainly Superbowl, Oscar movies, and some tv shows) is because I want to feel connected to people. I just don't get along with many people because I'm so quiet and clueless and often and don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel like engaging myself with news and pop culture makes me feel connected or somehow useful. That I have a purpose.

I really need to see a career counselor. Or just a counselor in general. I've been going to the doctor lately because I had a knee pain on my right knee only when I walked long distance...like on campus. I don't feel the pain anymore, but I asked for an X-ray and they actually found something on my knee: calcium deposits. The doc told me some super long name of a disease that supposedly deposits calcium from blood or hormones or whatever. I had my blood drawn for some tests yesterday from my right arm and it feels heavy.

What I wanted to say is that I always lie when the nurse asks me if I've had depression for the last 2 weeks. Of course I have. I've been depressed my whole life. But if I told them, I feel like I'm admitting some defeat, that I'm super weak and stupid and ungrateful for my life.

Could I actually become a useful, meaningful citizen if I don't have a job? I've sucked so much private, state and federal money in tuition grant and scholarship and health care so I feel bad for using all the resources without giving back. If I had a conventional family (i.e. Not Asian) I'd been kicked out of my parent's and may have to live on the street. My family isn't discouraging me from pursuing certain types of jobs, but at the same time, they're not encouraging me to do anything. Now I feel so depressed and incompetent that I absolutely cannot do a thing. For myself or for others.


haaaaahahahha I'm screwed for life.